


Baz Has Immense Gay...

by xXimaginary_broken_wolfXx



Series: Crack Fics [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack Fic, Gay, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-23 02:43:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23004472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXimaginary_broken_wolfXx/pseuds/xXimaginary_broken_wolfXx
Summary: This is the story of how baz has immense gay and how it will ruin life... but while he has immense gay will things good happen to him because of his great amount of gay? Inside you will find the answer...
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Crack Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653292
Comments: 47
Kudos: 57





	1. Gay Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Crack fic chef back in business bay BEE

Wheen baz wake up in the morning, snow glared at him. “Bitch,” he said, and left the room. Baz said back “bitch” to no one. A tear fell down his cheek.

He got out of bed and put on his emo clothes. He likes to wear all black, and he shops at hot topic,, like today he was wearing a black t shirt with the black veil brides logo on it and black skinny jeans that were ripped at the knees, a tight black belt with silver studded, black converse and black gages. He went to the mirror to put on make up. He wore black lipstick, black eyeliner, and red eyeshadow. He did his eyebrowse. He look hot as fuc k (AN: if u think boys dont loo hot as fuck wityth makeup on GTFOH!!!)

Baz walk down the stair. He looked sparkly in his emo glory. He was so fucking hot with this black long hair and bangs falling in his face. His eyes were light blue gray and he squinted, sexy.

Then suddenly someone appeared. It was simon, agan. “Hey, theres a nasty rumor spreading about your rumor.”

Baz raised an eyebrow. “Yes? And?”

Simon pursed his lips “You have immense gay?”

Baz froze. “Shit.” 

To be continue...


	2. The Mage Is Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mage is here and nothing is good...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter got love so i wrote more

Baz shut door to his room and curled up in a ball on his bed under the blankets on his side in a ball. He was crying. Why was he crying? He sniffled. The door open behind him

“Baz” says simon “Whats wrong?”

“SHUT THE HELL UP POSr im not a gay.” Baz yelled at simon. Simon furrowed his fuzzy eryebrows and frowned loudly. “Fine fuck you!! I guess yuo dont even have a little gay since youre so full of BULLSHIT theres no ROOM for gay” and he slammed the door and ran out. Baz looked up at the door. 

He put his head back down and frowned and cried again. The door open once more. Baz turned back to the door aand almost yelled but then he didn’t. It was The Mage.

“Bazislton.”

Baz froze. “Shit.”

The mage sat on simons bed. “Baz I heard of rumor that you have immense gays.”

Baz stuck his middle finger at the mage. “Not true sir.”

The mage frowned and held his face with his face. “Bazlitos. You know at this school we are fine with gay… but if you have immense gay that could be a health hazard.” He stand up. “You say you have not immense gay, but if you do we will expulse you.”

Baz crossed his arms. “Well, thats fine, because i dont have immense gays, i dont even have, a little gay.”

“Alright. Good talk” The mage left the room.


	3. Around School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon talks to penne about Baz. Plots ensoo.

Baz had to go to school that day though, so he fixed his make up (which was a lil streakie cause he wass crying) and he went to class. In class simon was there, but he didnt look at baz. He was still angry about the fight they had earlyer in the day. 

°FLASHBACK°

“Fine fuck you!! I guess yuo dont even have a little gay since youre so full of BULLSHIT theres no ROOM for gay” Simon slammed the door. As he went down the stares he saw The Mage walking up the stars. Simon nodded to him. Maybe the mage would just throw baz out a window. Simon usually wouldnt think that because he was nice, but right now he was angry and mean. He stomped to class.

(present time)

  
“Penny” simon whispered to penny who was sitting beside him. She flipped heer long and coily dark brown hair and looked at him with her dark brown eyes behind cat eye glasses. “Yes simon?”   
  


“Baz is plotting something i think.”

She groans. “YYou always think that. Hey have you heard about his rumor?” She asked

“Yes I have. I think thats part of his plot” simon growled.

“But why would he do that?” She questioned curiously.

“If he has immense gays then the mage would kick him out. When he gets kicked out he wont have to follow school rules anymore. Now that he cant follow school roles hes going to be in the catacombs past curfew. Since hes in the catacobs past curfew hes gonna become noctural cause its always dark in there. Since hell be nocturnal he can sneak back into the school in the night. Since he can sneak back into the school he can eat all the food in the kitchen and leave me without food. Since i would not have eaten ill be weaker, and he will have eaten so he will be stronger and he’s gonna challenge me to a duel and because im hungry and he is full i will loose and he will win and hes gonna kill me and take over the school.”

Penny rubbed her chin. “You know you may have a point”

Simon smiled “Rly?”

“No thats the dumbest thing ive ever heard actually.” Simon frownded at Pennys mean words. Then he looked up across the room at Baz who was talking to someone across the room.

It was agsatha!

“Or maybe” simon said quiet and penny listened. “Maybe he’s pretending to have immense gay so he can get closer to agatha without making me think he will steal agatho but then he will?”

“That makes more sense” said penny. “I dont think thats the case though? Maybe kids are just being mean or maybe he really does have immense gay.”

Simon frowned and watched him talking to agatha. He frownd.


	4. Agastha Arrives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agatha is here and she will be a part of the storey

Baz watches simon whisper to penny. He has super hearing becaus ehe is vampire so he hears the plan that simon comes up with. It is really stupid. It was the dumbest thing hed ever heard actually. 

Then his attention was caught by someone clearing gheir throat. He looked at the blonde petite girl in front of him. Her hair was like silk and her eyes were so pretty and blue she was like a painting. Or maybe an angel. Or maybe a goddess. Or maybe a ghost. Most definitely magickal literally.

“Agatha. To what do i owe you”

“Baz, i heard about your awful rumor. Its so mean that people would be say that about you.” She leaned on the table. “Do you maybe have a plan of how you will disprove the rumor?”

Baz frowend. “I need to figure something out. Thanks you for your concern.” he said. She smiled. “I have idea of how it is you can dispel rumor…”

Baz lifted his well crafted eyebrow. “Yes Agsatha?”

“If you date a girl, then people will not think you have immense gay. You will instead have average amount of straight.”

Baz made duck lips in thought. It was a good idea but there was a one big problem. “Thats interesting agaita. Talk to me about it by the cloisters tonight in secret ok?”

Agatha nodded. “Yeah okay.”

Agatha walked away and class continued as normal. Baz was really good at everything like he usually is.Then the room smelled like smoke and fire and ashes and he looked over at simon, because obiously it was his fault.

He listened with hus super vampire hearing.

“Agsatha… you’re breaking up with me?”

To be continue...


	5. Catacomb meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz has to have chats with agatha. What will they plot???

Baz sit on his bed. The room smelled like smoke cause snow was pacing back and fort. He muttered to himslef like a mad person.

“Snow you need to stop mumbleing”

“Maybe u need to stop sticking ur nose in my business bitch!!!”

Baz sneered at Snow. “What is even your fucking problemn is this pecause Well beloved broke up wif u?”

Snow stopped pasing and looked at baz and Baz realised he wasnt suppose to know that. “Youre not suppose to know that.” said simon. “Dd agatha tell u?” simon accused

“No.” Baz denied 

“Or did u convinse her to break up with me??” Snow roared.

“I didnt convinse her to do anything” Baz fgrowled. “She went and broke up with u all on her own its not my fault you weere whining about it loud enough for me to overhear! Damn the whole school prolably knows about youre relationshiup troubles right now”

Simon stomped up to bazes bed angrily, stomping. He stomped his foot down next to the bed and glared at Baz with his blue ocean flower eyes. “Get out of my room or ill punch your dumb nose so hard itll unbreak itself from that time i broke it in sixth year.”

“This is our room and you would not do that.” Baz smiled smugly “Amanthenam.”

“The amanthenam is the only thing thats gonna be more broken then ur nose cause im gonna unbreak it and then break it again.”

It was time for baz to leaf. He went. “Fine snow” he said to simon. “Im gonna go then.”

When baz left he went to the catacombs but there were someone in his way. It was agasa. “Oh hey” she said smiley. “I thought you were gonna meet me by the cloisters. Why are you going to the catacombs.”

“Uh.” baz said. “I have bad memory sorry. All i rememer is it started with a c.”

“Okay.” Agatha stepped into the catcombs. Baz entered with her. 

“Baz, I wanted to talk to you about the rumor. About your immense gays.”

Baz nodded. “Yes, the rumor about the gay, you said you had an idea of how to dispel it?”

Agaths turned around. “What if you dated me and then everyone will think youre not gay anomore?”

Baz pursed his leps. “Agatha you’re a very nnice girl but-”

“No not like real dating.” Agatha blushed, because she did mean like real dating but baz doesnt have to know about all that… “Like fake dating so nobody with think you gay?”

Baz nodded. “Yes… that could work. Just long enoough to dispel the rumor. But is that why you broke up with simon? You made him fvery sad.”

Agatha shrugged. “It was a long time coming b3cause we dont work very well together. It is ok.”

“Then we shall date.” Baz held out his hand. “Agathha, will you be my. Girl. friend. Please?” 

Agatha took his hand. “Yes i will.”

Little did they know there was someone wathcing in the shadows, watching…

To be continue…?


	6. Betrayal!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon finds out something he should not have nkown..

Simon sat on his bed. His heart felt like it was slpitting into a million tiny pieces. He cried when baz left.

Not because baz was gone but because baz was gone and now wouldnt make fun on him for crying. The thing is simon wasnt even that sad. Like yeah. It sicked that agatha broke up with him and she was so pretty but he think maybe he just liked being in a relationship more than he liked her. 

Either way it hurt a whole lot and he felt really lonely. “Maybe I could try being friends with baz? Maybe he was telling the truth when he said he didnt tell agatha to break up with me.” He said it to himself. He got up, and he knew that because baz was a vampire he would be in the catacobs. He saw baz in there all the time.

Simon go downstairs and out of the tower and to the catacombs. But when he got there he saw Agatha and Baz in the ccatacombs. He hid behind a rock and listened to them talking.

Agatha shrugged. “It was a long time coming because we dont work very well together. Its ok.”

“Then we shall date.” Baz held out his hand. “Agahta, will you be my Girlfriend Please?” 

Agatha took his hand. “Yes i will.”

Simoned gasped dramarically.Luckily they did not hear him. He go back upstairs to his room all mad.

Baz wasnt immense gay and Simon was right!!! He did spread the rumor about hisself so he could get closer and steal agaatha away from Simon. 

To be contniue!


	7. The plam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon has a plan... penny is not happy with ihm.

Penny was sitting at the breakfast table next morning and waiting for simon. She ate her toast. “Nom nom…”

“PENNE” Simon yelled from across the clafeteria hall. Penny looked up. “Oh simon. Did you get breakfast”

“No time for breakfast penny baz has already moved on with his plan!”

Penny frowned. “Simon this whole plotting thing is kind of weird. Why di you think baz is always up to somethign.”

Simon pointed across the cafeteria at Baz zand Agatha at the table. They were hold hands. Dev said “Hey, I guess baz is not gay.”

“Hm.” Penny hmmed. “So theyer dating now. Maybe hereally was try to steal agatha.”

“We need to break them up”

Penny frowned. “Simon what why? Why do you care somuch you and agathas arent even dating anymore, or are you jealuos?”

Simon blushed. “I am NOT jealous of agatha”

“Of baz”

Simon stopped.”What”

“Jealous of baz. Because baz is the one who is date agatha.”

Bimon frowned. “Yes right.” Why did he say he was not jealous of agatha…? He meant baz obviously. Right.

“Okay how are we going to break them up i guess?”

Simon smiled. “I have a plan. We need to make the rumor that he has immense gay even more bigger, and then Agartha will really believe he has gay and she’ll have to break up with him!”

Penny nodded. “Okay that could work. Let’s do it.”


	8. Spreading Rumor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learnm, is rumor true...? And simon go with plan.

Baz wake up the next morning and ehe immediately felt bad. He rembered his chat with Agsata, and he kind of didnt want to date her even fakely. He knew it would bother snow a lot though so that was a plus.

Of course the reason baz does not want to date agatsa… is because the rumors are true.

Baz has immense Gay… (an: roll credts)

… and he has immense gay for Samon. Not good right now because Simon hates him a lots. It makes Bazs heart brkeak…  
He go down to the dining cafetera and sit next to agasatha. She smiles tto see him. “Good morning bazilton.”

“Yes. good morning.” He puts his hands on the table and holds them together. Agatah puts her hands on his his hands. He freezes. Uncomfortabel.

“Baz im very glas you decided to date me.” She winks implying iit was a fake statment, and cause they actually werent dating, but simon was looking at them realy angrily so she coudent say that outloud.

“I as well,” baz said, and winked because it was a lie because he had immense gay.

Across room, Simon was fuming. “Penn” he said to penelepie who is sitting next to him. “We have to put that mplan in actions soon.”

Penny is readding a book and not paying attention so him because shes smart smarter than he is. Simon taps the book she puts it down. “What?”

“We gotta do the plam.”

Penny sighed. “Yea yea i know.” She pull out her wand. “Ok ready?”

Simon nodded smileing.

“Double Rainbow All The Way Across The Skyyy” she sings from a viral music video. Simon humms along. Sudddenly a double rainbo appear over Bazs head. Peopl point and laugh at the rainbow. He frowns.

“Damn it.” He looks back ap penny and Simon and simon is smile smugly at him. Agasa grabs his hands harder and crush his fingers with love. “Baz donet worry about them. Theyre just being mean. Cmon lets go.” They got up and left for the fooball field.


	9. Fodpall pitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me every time I misspell agatha's name: Agsag'hath the Dark One, Destroyer of Hope and Consumer of Worlds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whats UP losers im in quarantine for corona right now and also im going to raleigh (which is where COVID-19 is... not the best quarantine decision on my part) to help my sister move out of her college cause they shut the dorms down and she has to stay home for the rest of the year, BUT I managed to update this so its good!

Agastha went to the fooball field with baz. Baz sighed and looked at the empty field and sighed, sadly. Agata took his had. “Baz whats wrong?”

Baz frowned emo-ly. “It’s nothing, but why are you holding my hand.”

Agatha grinned “Because were supposed rto look like were dating?”

Baz hummed. “Right.” it made him more sdad. He took his hand away from agasha. Frowning loudly he turned away from her. As he looked away he saw simon running after then. 

“Simons comig this way!” He said to agatsha. Abbatha sighed. “Yeah i know. Cant he leave us alone? I just wanna be with u…”

Simon stupped att thee enterance of the fied and glared at baz. Baz glared back and he felt better. Suddenly the sky went black....

Simon Baz and Agsag’hath looked up at the sky and it got cold. It began to rain. Clouds came in really fast and it felt dry and itchy and awful, like when ytou go to the beach and you get sand in you bathing suit.

Duddenly, the humumndredrum descended from the sky. He landed and he looked like simon only he was 11, and he had a red ball, and sunglasses, and a sparkly cape, and the gucci boots.

“Fuck!” Baz yelled, He leapt back and ran away from agata and simon. Agatar hid behind Samon and she cried, “Gdet rid of him!!!”

Simon drew his mage swword n leapt at the humumdredrum. He shouted, and when he did he went off on the humdrerderum. The humperdrump disappears, and simon kind of ignited the football field, or like well a little circle of it where he was standing so now the pitch was charred and black like Baz’s hair and also his soul and his eyeliner.

Baz stepped forwsard. “Well im glad thats over with.”

Simon turned to Baz. “You dumb idiot! I can’t believe the humumudenderem showed up and you didnt even help aggi you just LEFT her there. Bitch! Edward Cullen lookin ass bitch im gonna beaat the fuck outta you!”

Then agasa tugged his arm “Simon its ok.. Lets leave.”

Tjhey did, and Baz was standing alone in the pitch. He frowned. And he notice a piece of paper on tge ground where simon went off. He pick it up.

It says: “Baz i need to tsalk to you. This is important. Signed the Humpdremnud.”

Baz gasped.


	10. Metting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz waits for the hummhundrun, and he gets a terribel command...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can really smell the inspiration from My Immortal. Tara Gilesbie really was the literary genius the world needed, but wasn't ready to handle.

Simon eat his breakfas the next tday with Penne. Aggie was nowhere to be seen. 

“Penne, you would not beliege the shit that happened yesterday.”

Peny hummed. “I heard. Humbrum right?”

“Yeah, and baz was there. I think maybge perhops he summoned the hmuumdrup.” Penny frown at him. “Sunmon, that does not make any sense, boy.” She would have smack him upside the head but she was kind and nice and good. She ate her breakfas. 

“Still. I wonder why he is not in the dinig hall today.”

~MEANWHILE~

Baz didnot have order to meet the hummdrudumer anywhere, so he sat in the middle of the pitch football pitch. Fotbal. I he guess he was right, becaause the hummderdrum did happear.

He was an eleven year old simon with sungallasses and a cape and a ball and fine knee high hot red gucci boots. He wore a vest from Areopostle and american eagle jeans. Baz sneered. “Wow” he thought in his mind, “The humdinger kinda dresses like a prep.”

“I can read your thoughts,” he said.

Baz froze. “Oh fuck. Okay um what did you wanna talk about.”

The hungerdumpo pulled unsheathed a great sword from his back. Baz looked disturb. The small simon handed it to him. “I need to you kill Simon.”

Baz stood up. “What the fuck?! Why? What are you talking about?!”

“I need tyou to kill him, I just do. Please. You two fight all the time, and he is so mean to you, and I know we both want this so”

Baz spat on the humpdrunk. “NO i dont fucking wwant this!!! What the hell!”

“Whatever just take the sword!” The hugunngredrugum whined shoving it into Baz’s hands. Baz frowns at the sword. 

“What cant i do it with a little more tact or like whatevr? This shitty sword is shitty.”

“Watch your language im 11.”

Baz held the sword close “Ok whatever. Get off my back and stop attacking the school. I’ll do it just go away.”

The humpder smiled and left the same way he came floating away into the sky, striking a sick pose with his boots.

Baz looked down and the sword and sighed. He didn’t want to kill simon. There was massive secret he was hiding deep down… That he was in love his roommate, Simon. Noboy knew yet (AN: well exce[pt u all) and neither did hmumdrudum. He could not kill simon because simon had pretty blue sapphire cold fire ocean cornflower baby blue robins egg eyes, and hair that was curly and looked soft, and probably smelled nice but baz didnt wanna just be up in his bubble and sniffing his hair because thats kinda creepo… but he wanted to, deep down. To sniff that hair. Get a good whiff. Just inhale the follicle. 

He took the sword n went ot his room and hid it under his bed.

To be continue.............?


	11. Its gonna be May(ge)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> baz has talk to agata and simon needs to do something for the mage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whats UUUP peopleeee  
> Im actually writing again i had to take a break cause covid-19 is ruining my life, cant leave my house and also my uncle is dead so *thumbs up*
> 
> But now im all good and way more bored so

The next moroning, Baz wake up to see mage in his room. Mage stood between him and simons bed nd simon was wake. 

“Sam” the mage belted. “I need you to go on a jounrey.”

“M name is simon sir” he said sadly.

“Quiet samantha. The WAVERING WOOD” the mag announce “is fill with beef faries.”

“What the fuck is a beef fairy” bazz says, concern. The mage look at him and glare. “This isnot about you.” he turn back to simon . “Sean these beef fairis are a threat. I need u to go kill them for me ok?”

Simon hopped out of bed landing perfectly on him feet. “Sir yes sir mage sir.” He run out of room. The maje turns to Baz.

“Zazilbon.”’

Baz sneeres “what. Whats uop”

The mage frowns loudly. “Your emo wear is unappropriate for this school. You will wear good clothes or else youll get detetnion.” Then, he flew out of the window. Baz closed the window after him.

“Well i hate him” baz said to nobody because he did hate the mage. “So im wearing even emo-er clothes.”

Baz go to his closet (hehe get it… hes in the. ok) and pull out a black lether jackert and a sleeping with sirens band shirt. He put them on and put on tight black skinny jeans with rips in them and a chain in his pocket, and he painted his nails black and put on an little black eye shadow. 

Baz walk out of his room and go down stairs. He sit in the dining hall with agataha, but agapa looks sad.

“Whats the matter abba?”

Ashaga frowns. “Its just… no nevermind, ill tell you later.”

“Yeah ok.” Baz took a bite of his biscit.

The mage suddenly appeared behind him. Aragog gasped darmatically. “Baz behind uyou!”

Baz turn around and see the mage shaking his head. “Baz. Im not angry im just dissapointed.” His words hit baz right in his daddy issues. “I told u not to wear emo clothing and yet u did. Youu will be punish for this. Come to my office now.”

To be continunuered?????


End file.
